So I didn’t get to go to spinning group this morning, I was just not well enough.
I got to do some navajo plying all on my lonesome. Not even Olympics to watch on the computer because I didn’t fancy any of the sports of today.
I think navajo plying is tedious work and especially I love to do this in company of my spinning friends. One of them even has a very gracious technique and her presence alone inspires me to be less arm flailing and less knotting my fingers into the yarn. (talking about you, Anouk)
Besides, it’s so much more fun to spin with others who appreciate wool!
This yarn is the second half of the green I dyed and spun for Tour de Fleece. That one I combed into rollags and made into an airy, lovely yarn. Clun Forest.
This time I thought I might get away with just spinning from the teased locks. Unfortunately when making a sample I found out that the 2ply I had planned with this didn’t match the original rollags-skein in thickness at all. It had to become a 3ply. So navajo plying it would be. Which would be excellent for spinning group.
But I didn’t get to go. I had to do “the sensible thing” again. That’s really getting old. But I’m expected to do the sensible thing for another year or four if I ever are to be healed from this rotten illness. (ME/CFS).
So I missed out on spinning group. Which upset me because we only get to see each other once a month and I have missed out on 6 of the last 7 months.
I even had everything ready, which is a small victory when your energy and clarity of brain is limited. Ishowered and picked out clothes last night and everything.
Yeah, today I had a truly rotten day, with the ME/CFS.
I think both healthy and ill people do not realize often enough how couragous and stubborn people with this illness have to be, just to hold on and get through a rotten day. The same goes for people with the illness depression.
We/they are so brave, so strong. Even though we are so utterly destroyed on days like these.
Brain chemistry gets seriously messed up, especially females with their added hormone fest (I’m due to get my period tomorrow so today is about the worst day).
And all the time you realize this is not you, you are not your feelings.
But of course you áre! You are how you feel.
It is maddening and crazy and makes desperate and desolate.
And there’s nothing to be done. You have to sit it out. Keep breathing until enough time has passed. Which you do not expect ever to happen. And even if it does you know it’s all in vain. Life is rotten at the core you just had a mouth full.
Which is where the stubbornness comes in. If all fails you just have to be one stubborn bastard who just keeps on breathing while crying from the deepest truths and hiding from the world and failing at life.
Breathe dammit, breathe.
And this is why everybody experiencing these illnesses deserves a hug and a cry and a medal. And a red dress.
Today I plied my yarns. I did my walk. I ate everything in sight and I sat on the couch and cried at sad pet stories on the internet and watched BBC documentaries and didn’t have the heart to bother anyone of my friends with my misery.
It should pass in a couple of days. Once I get my period estrogens will kick in. I’ll be superwoman again. I’ll see colours. I’ll think about art.
I really hope.
In the mean time I cuddle Lillepoes and want to die.
Breathe dammit, breathe. Just be stubborn and prove once more that these things pass.
Here are my skeins:
my two 3ply skeins are at the top, at the bottom is the first skein. The first one is the same weight as one of the top ones but runs twice the length! That’s Long draw for you.
I wish I had done the others too in longdraw. But combing the rollags… it was just too much to ask.
I have a lovely new fleece of Clun-Merino. I’d LOVE to spin it. But is needs to be washed. Hot. I can’t. Maybe in a day or two.
Just to be clear: this is not a pity party. I do not need your heartfelt feeling of helplessness (sorry if I make you feel that way).
I just wanted to illustrate that ME (or CFS)(and depression but they are more professional about this) comes with daily battles to preserve sanity. And that it takes a lot of courage. Energy. Stubbornness.
I would like to tell all people suffering from this that this is normal. That this is nothing to worry about. That you are marvelous. And that it will pass. Just breathe.
(oh, and pop pills if you need to. Brain chemistry needs help from outside to get into balance again. For most people this is anti depressiva. For me, after intense research, it is progesterone, Lithium, Magnesium, Selenium, Molybdelum, Zinc and a lack of anything that upsets me including insuline inducing foods. And even then no garantee. Not when hormones surge.
Well, I’m off to bed. The skeins are a great colour of green. I’ve already looked at potential patterns on Ravelry. A green cardi or pullover, with lace. For a happy forest gnome lady.
And I changed my ravatar. I’m a bit done with Ravellenics for the moment.